I haven’t been performing live on the music scene for about five years now and am beginning to get the itch to get back into it. I’m pretty versatile when it comes to my music. I’ll play guitar, bass, keyboards. I’ve done modern country, oldies, classic and modern rock and even my own original music. The problem I’m having is trying to find the right situation.

I don’t think I’m asking for much. I just want to get into a band to perform, have fun and get paid for it. I also don’t believe my requirements are anything out of the ordinary. In fact, outside of everyone in the band obviously getting along, for me there are only two things that must exist in any band I would consider joining. So with this in mind, here’s what I’m looking for in a cover band:

Number one:  A band that will do classic to modern rock from 1970’s through today.

Number two and even more highly important: A band that under no circumstances will play Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd

I am so sick of big wheels turning that at this point I refuse to even play it. Quite frankly it gets me upset that I even have to tag this blog with the title. And by that I mean I will not perform it. If we’re at a bar and a beautiful drunk woman comes up at the end of the night and requests it, well we call her a cab. I’ve even abruptly ended my tenure in bands before it even began when the song is suggested. Here’s a classic example:

I once auditioned to be in a classic rock band with a bunch of cool guys I knew from school. I lugged all of my equipment into the rehearsal space and slowly but methodically unloaded it from my car and pieced it together.

I configured my amps, my guitars, unwound cables, ran effects pedals out the wazoo. I tuned up my Les Paul, turned the Marshall stack on ten and stood at the ready. Ready for the first song of what was surely to become the next Aerosmith or Def Leppard. And that’s when it happened.

The singer looks at me and says, “Uh, I dunno, wanna start with Sweet Home Alabama?”

Without saying another word I un-did everything I mentioned two paragraphs ago and hastily made a twenty-three skidoo. They never heard from me again.

True Story. Well, maybe.

Anyway, it seems as though finding the right fit for me is proving to be almost impossible. I’ve been searching but so far haven’t been able to find anything.

Quite honestly, the more I scour the “musicians wanted” listings the more and more depressed I become. Please tell me if you see anything of value that looks appealing in the following legitimate listings:

1) I am 20, been playing lead guitar since i was 13. I want to start a band with musicians that have chops, good improv skills and creativity. Age range-17-35. The originals I have at this point revolve around progressive funk and hard rock, think chilli peppers meets STP meets Slash. Please only serious inquiries only. No pay. Band is a serious project but for the music foremost. Email me if you’re interested

Interesting combination. But seriously, no pay?…Dude, you CRAY-ZEE

2) CLUTCH tribute band I’m a drummer looking to start a CLUTCH tribute band. If your interested, and have the chops, then hit me up. Looking for people who love CLUTCH and have their own equipment and NO DRAMA, Otherwise don’t waste my time.

I did not even know who CLUTCH was and had to look them up.  They definitely don’t seem to be the kind of band that would warrant a tribute.

3) Guitar led trio needs drums and bass for Satriani influenced cover band playing mostly instrumental music from others as well like Jeff Beck, Frank Marino and Stevie Ray Vaughn as well as a lot of Satriani material including surfing cd the crystal planet and most of stuff from the live at Anaheim dvd. serious players need only apply.

If you can name one venue that will pay money to have you perform this type of music at then I have a bridge I’d like to sell you.

4) Hey whats up everyone! We’re looking for an experienced rock drummer from ages 17- 25. Check out our facebook page and listen to our music if you might be interested. We just started recently but is number 5 on the phillipsburg Alternative Charts. We just released our first demo and are writing for our first EP. We’re good dudes just enjoying the life of music. So if you’re interested just let us know!

I didn’t even know that the small town of Phillipsburg, NJ had an Alternative Chart. Man, I wish I played drums.

This one was more of a musician’s available listing but it gave me a chuckle anyway:

New Orleans and Classic Jazz, Swing, Dances, Parties, Festivals, Weddings, Funerals, Dixieland Strolling (yes with the whole band)ANY Type of Event We own our own parade floats (we have 2) and we specalize in Parade Performances. Ask about our combined Parade and Concert or Strolling Specials!

Parade floats and funerals? Hmmm, these guys just might be onto something.

This can’t be all that’s out there for me. What do you think? Let’s start a discussion. Otherwise, I’m going to have to sing songs about the Southland again. And I won’t be a happy camper.