Ah, there’s just something about going to the gym that’s exhilarating. I love the feel of pushing the plates. Getting that one last rep. Going beyond failure. Stretching the body to the limit. The magic of the “pump” and how good you feel afterwards. But alas, there is also one thing I hate and will never really understand about gyms.

Old man nudity.

It never fails. Every time I enter the dressing room at LA Fitness I am greeted by the sight of at least one fat, bare assed individual who one: absolutely seems to have no business being in the gym in the first place and second and more importantly, has no problem with taking extended periods of time to get dressed.

Now please don’t get me wrong. I’m as comfortable with my naked body as the next person. I have no problem with nudity. I was born that way. I also shower daily in said manner. In fact, on the opposite sex I even find it very attractive.

My problem is seeing individuals who should not be “skivee” or toweless at all in public let alone taking their good old sweet time to become “un-nude”…. I don’t know about you, but it seems to me that there should be some kind of requirement on the length of time a man can be naked when in front of a group of people in a social situation such as being in a gym locker room.

I figure thirty seconds from the time you remove your towel to put on at least your underpants isn’t being all that unreasonable.

Although I’ve never personally showered there, I do swim on occasion and unfortunately have the need to be sans clothes while changing out of my swimsuit. Not to brag, but I’ve clocked my time from the final towel drop (and exposure) to underwear at waist and came in at under ten seconds. That includes full drying of necessary areas prior to getting dressed. I’ve been working up to that time since swimming class in high school and am damn proud of it. In fact, I think if I were a woman I could get the bra on in another two or three seconds easy. That’s how good I am. My point being, if I can do it, anyone can.

I can’t even begin to count how many times I’ve had to change my clothes from street to gym (or vice versa) to the view of old fat guys toweling off and letting it all hang out. Shaving, combing their hair, scratching their belly – doesn’t matter. It’s the Garden of Eden at the LA Fitness. And they are damned proud of it. No Eve’s reside here (although from what I hear, they have their own little sanctuary in the next room). But suffice to say, there are plenty of little snakes roaming around. And this sure ain’t no garden I want to be in.

What I don’t understand is why these people seem to have no care in the world that they are showcasing their belly rolls and “winkies” for the world to see. This isn’t Rio Pops. No nudist colonies in this part of town. I’m really glad you’re comfortable with your body. That makes one of us. But is it really too much to ask to put a towel around your waist while you’re standing in front of the mirror shaving?

I’ve even seen dudes having long conversations about work while just standing there in the nude. Without even the inkling to reach for their clothes. Does being in your birthday suit make the conversation more fun?

Maybe it’s like a game. You know, one where you engage someone in conversation while you’re nude knowing that sooner or later the other guy is going to look down at your manhood. And the challenge is to go as long as possible without looking down.

I really feel like complaining to management. But seriously, what would I say? I’ve gone over it many times in my head and the best I could come up with is: “Uhm yes, I am trying to change my clothes in the locker room and there’s this fat old Jewish man standing in the buff next to me having a serious conversation with his buddy and its making me uncomfortable….Can you please enforce the thirty second no nude rule? And NO, I will NOT tell you why I think he’s Jewish”……Yeah, like THAT would go over.

Why can’t there be a third locker room for these jokers? Put them in a dark room with black light. A disco ball. Let them towel slap each other and recite poetry for all I care. Something. ANYTHING! Just keep them away from me so I can change.

Sadly, aside from me setting up a home gym, which is not in the cards, there is ultimately no escape from watching these guys perform the full monty.

Sometimes I find myself changing at work in the men’s room prior to heading to the gym in the afternoon. Sure, the cleaning guy might catch me but at least he knows my name. These guys don’t care who you are.  It’s more like: “Look at ME…Look at ME!!!!”. Unforunately, I can’t do that all the time and will inevitably find myself back in the bowels of the LA Fitness locker room. Where believe me, it’s only a matter of time until I reach down to tie my sneakers and rise up to find my head next to Jabba The Hut’s hairy ass. It will happen. Trust me.

Oh, the things I do to stay fit.