Tag: sleep

In The Dead of Night

I was driving into work this morning around 5:30 am and was listening to a news update. Something I always do to fill the silence of my morning commute and also because I can’t listen to heavy music that early.

I know, shocker right? Nope, it’s either smooth jazz or news that early in the morning and most of the time I choose the latter.

I usually look forward to these drives. Not because I like being up this early and have to go to work but because the drive itself is therapeutic. I can find out everything that’s going on in the world and then drown all that sorrow into my morning coffee.

One of the top stories today was about the continuing increase in the cost of gasoline. In a feeble attempt to bring a bit of humor into the subject the news anchor said: “In case you haven’t noticed, gas prices rose two-cents overnight while you were sleeping.”

I didn’t find that line particularly funny. On the contrary, I think this is quite serious. Has anyone else noticed the pattern of things like this happening in the dead of night while we sleep?

If it’s not gas prices rising a few pennies shortly after the Sandman visits it’s legislation in Washington. Why is it that controversial bills and decisions that affect the American people always seem to be passed around three in the morning?

We really need to take some action now before this pandemic gets even more out of control. What if we put some high-powered sedatives into these decision makers drinks after 8pm? That should put them out for the night and allow me to get a decent night’s sleep and not have to sacrifice my morning Starbucks in favor of a half a gallon of gas.

There has to be some consideration for the sanctity of sleep.

Isn’t it bad enough they already screw me while I’m awake?

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Analysis of a Dream

I need your help faithful readers on a matter of utter importance. Every so often I have this recurring theme in a dream at night and I need someone to tell me what it’s all about. I’m not going to bore you with long diatribes of what I ate or watched on television the night before because that can change.

Obviously I’m not going to tell you the one about Jenny McCarthy but here was another one of my dreams from last night:

It’s a slightly overcast day and I seem to be driving in the city somewhere. The setting looks familiar to me. As if I’ve been here before. In my dream I am the owner of a brand new red Ford Mustang and park it in a parking lot outside of a hotel I appear to be staying at. Why I am alone at a hotel is beyond me. Maybe I’m on vacation or something. In any case, I get out of the car and go about my business walking around and checking out the surroundings which appear familiar to me. I make chit-chat with some of the people I encounter. What the topic is I can’t remember.

Everything is going great but at some point I start to realize that I should probably head out because I have to be somewhere in a few hours and don’t want to be late. And here’s where the problem sets in.

The beautiful red Mustang I drove in and parked all of a sudden is nowhere to be seen. I’m confident I am in the area where I parked it but it’s not there. I almost immediately start to second guess where I parked the car but reassure myself that this was indeed where I left it. There are miles of cars everywhere in the parking lot but my car is not there.

I start strolling the lot looking for my car and soon panic starts to set in because I suddenly realize I need to be somewhere and now I’m going to be late. I’m not even sure exactly what it is I need to get to. Home? Work? An airline flight? What ever it is, I just know I need to get there and time is running out.

In my dream I’m sophisticated enough to attempt to use my key fob to try to locate the car but without success. No beeping and flashing lights…the pretty red Mustang is gone. And I never once think the car was stolen or towed away. Nope, I place the blame for its disappearance squarely on myself. My feeling is that the car is there. I just do not know where it is. And the search goes on. And on. And on.

Needless to say I wake up from the dream with my head pounding and completely exhausted. I never found the car and have missed whatever it was I needed to get to.

So can any of you psychologists, mediums and dream readers please interpret this dream for me?

Here are two pieces of information that may help with your analysis:

1. The Ford Mustang is my favorite car. Although if given the option I’d much prefer blue over the red but I did own a red convertible at one point.

2. I have no vacation planned at this time and no hotel reservations have been made. There is no sense of urgency on my part.

What’s strange is that the theme of me having something and then misplacing it seems to recur quite a bit in my evening slumber. It literally feels like I spend hours searching for something that deep down I know I’ll never find.

Looking forward to hearing your comments. Until then, it’s two Advil and more coffee. It’s going to be a long day.

Jenny McCarthy Is So Overrated

Jenny McCarthy and I have a horrible relationship. Everyone says she’s wonderful and always makes time for her fans. Maybe it’s because I don’t see her much but I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s just so overrated. I’ve religiously made the attempt to be in a good mood and see her every night but she always winds up just pissing me off the next morning and quite frankly, I’m just tired of it. The fact is she and I haven’t gotten along in years and I’m just now finally starting to come to terms with it.

I honestly don’t want to end our relationship because it would be devastating to me. And from what doctors have told me, doing so might even lead to my own death. But she and I really need to come to an understanding soon because I’m at my wits end.

You may be wondering the extent of my relationship with Jenny McCarthy. You see, I like to think of sleep as being female or more specifically, like Jenny McCarthy in a black lacy night gown. I mean let’s be honest here, it’s my sleep we’re talking about and I won’t share my bed with just anyone. The truth is though, in some ways both of them are quite similar. I’ll never have either of them the way I really want.

I’ve tried everything to get a good night’s Jenny and nothing works. Pills, pillows, potions and everything in between. I’ve turned the television off an hour before I lay down my head because someone once told me Jenny doesn’t like it.

I also have a ritual I follow closely every night. I avoid alcohol and caffeine past a certain hour, have clean sheets on the bed, a cool climate-controlled environment, background fan noise to set the mood. I even go to bed at a reasonable hour most nights all to no avail.

The fact of the matter is when it comes to a good nights Jenny, she and I are like the old horny married man wanting sex from his old disgruntled married wife. In other words: I ain’t gettin’ it much.

I think in the last twenty years there have only been a handful of nights where Jenny and I have been together all the way through. I’m not asking to Jenny for twelve hours here. But gee whiz, is a simple seven to eight hour uninterupted nap too much to ask?

I’m not prone to having to wake up to go to the bathroom or being suddenly awoken by a door slam or a barking dog. That’s not the problem. But every night without fail and no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, Jenny just gets up and leaves after two or three hours for no reason at all and I can’t figure out why.

Within a few minutes she comes back to me but the process will continue at least three or four more times until it’s close enough to the time I’m supposed to get up for work. By that time I’ve had enough of her antics and just get out of bed. This nightly experience gives me roughly five to six hours of rest and leaves me tired, grumpy and irritable for most of the day.

I’ve tried everything to make Jenny want me. Spent countless hours at the gym losing weight and getting in shape thinking that would help improve our relationship.

Dealing with all the old man nudity in the locker room is not something that’s high on my priority list. It’s not like I would subject myself to that kind of torture just for the sake of my own health either. I’m really making the effort with her but it’s just not working.

A few months ago a physician suggested that the problem may be due to sleep apnea.  But the thought that some how me wearing a gas mask would make Jenny take notice is laughable. If she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me in my natural body built state now, is there really any chance she’d want me dressed in scuba gear?

If anyone has any other advice on how to improve my relationship with Jenny please let me know. I’ve tried watching reruns of Singled Out,  Scream 3 and even reading her books on Autism looking for a sign. Any hidden message that would help.

I’ve even been contacting her on Twitter but she doesn’t respond. Quite frankly, I’m beginning to get the impression that she thinks I might be crazy.

Some night though I’m going to go into my room, turn out the lights and Jenny and I are going to reconcile. It’s going to be a beautiful moment. I probably won’t be getting out of bed for days. I’m talking Rip Van Winkle type Jenny. It’s going to be that good.

Yeah, I must be dreaming.