Jenny McCarthy and I have a horrible relationship. Everyone says she’s wonderful and always makes time for her fans. Maybe it’s because I don’t see her much but I’ve come to the conclusion that she’s just so overrated. I’ve religiously made the attempt to be in a good mood and see her every night but she always winds up just pissing me off the next morning and quite frankly, I’m just tired of it. The fact is she and I haven’t gotten along in years and I’m just now finally starting to come to terms with it.
I honestly don’t want to end our relationship because it would be devastating to me. And from what doctors have told me, doing so might even lead to my own death. But she and I really need to come to an understanding soon because I’m at my wits end.
You may be wondering the extent of my relationship with Jenny McCarthy. You see, I like to think of sleep as being female or more specifically, like Jenny McCarthy in a black lacy night gown. I mean let’s be honest here, it’s my sleep we’re talking about and I won’t share my bed with just anyone. The truth is though, in some ways both of them are quite similar. I’ll never have either of them the way I really want.
I’ve tried everything to get a good night’s Jenny and nothing works. Pills, pillows, potions and everything in between. I’ve turned the television off an hour before I lay down my head because someone once told me Jenny doesn’t like it.
I also have a ritual I follow closely every night. I avoid alcohol and caffeine past a certain hour, have clean sheets on the bed, a cool climate-controlled environment, background fan noise to set the mood. I even go to bed at a reasonable hour most nights all to no avail.
The fact of the matter is when it comes to a good nights Jenny, she and I are like the old horny married man wanting sex from his old disgruntled married wife. In other words: I ain’t gettin’ it much.
I think in the last twenty years there have only been a handful of nights where Jenny and I have been together all the way through. I’m not asking to Jenny for twelve hours here. But gee whiz, is a simple seven to eight hour uninterupted nap too much to ask?
I’m not prone to having to wake up to go to the bathroom or being suddenly awoken by a door slam or a barking dog. That’s not the problem. But every night without fail and no matter how tired I am when I go to bed, Jenny just gets up and leaves after two or three hours for no reason at all and I can’t figure out why.
Within a few minutes she comes back to me but the process will continue at least three or four more times until it’s close enough to the time I’m supposed to get up for work. By that time I’ve had enough of her antics and just get out of bed. This nightly experience gives me roughly five to six hours of rest and leaves me tired, grumpy and irritable for most of the day.
I’ve tried everything to make Jenny want me. Spent countless hours at the gym losing weight and getting in shape thinking that would help improve our relationship.
Dealing with all the old man nudity in the locker room is not something that’s high on my priority list. It’s not like I would subject myself to that kind of torture just for the sake of my own health either. I’m really making the effort with her but it’s just not working.
A few months ago a physician suggested that the problem may be due to sleep apnea. But the thought that some how me wearing a gas mask would make Jenny take notice is laughable. If she doesn’t want to have anything to do with me in my natural body built state now, is there really any chance she’d want me dressed in scuba gear?
If anyone has any other advice on how to improve my relationship with Jenny please let me know. I’ve tried watching reruns of Singled Out, Scream 3 and even reading her books on Autism looking for a sign. Any hidden message that would help.
I’ve even been contacting her on Twitter but she doesn’t respond. Quite frankly, I’m beginning to get the impression that she thinks I might be crazy.
Some night though I’m going to go into my room, turn out the lights and Jenny and I are going to reconcile. It’s going to be a beautiful moment. I probably won’t be getting out of bed for days. I’m talking Rip Van Winkle type Jenny. It’s going to be that good.
Yeah, I must be dreaming.