I should have known better. No, really I should have. I was the one who spent the last few dollars I had at the store last week with no concern of replenishing my supply. I have only myself to blame.

Last night, with empty pockets and time to spare I could have easily made the quick trip to tap the MAC machine. But I was too lazy sitting in my nice, comfy sweatpants and t-shirt. “It can wait until morning.” I said to myself.

I really should have seen it coming. The fact is that even though I work with them all day long, machines don’t like me for some reason.

Every so often my procrastination leads me to have to go to the bank early in the morning on my way in to work to get funds. And in order for me to avoid getting dinged with outrageous service fees by using a foreign machine, I am forced to visit one of  my bank’s local branches. But ever since my bank consolidated offices, the “local” isn’t so local anymore, and the trip ends up taking me well out-of-the-way of my normal route.

There are two ATM machines I can go to on my way in to the office; neither of which is very convenient. But in the end, I decided to choose the one that had drive-up service (you know, so I wouldn’t have to leave my nice warm car). As I pull up alongside of the machine, I am warmly greeted by the familiar neon “Welcome” that’s glowing off of the terminal in the early morning light. I eagerly insert my debit card to begin the transaction.

What follows is a dramatization of the conversation between me and the machine:

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Machine: “Hello James, you handsome devil. Would you like Fast Cash? If so, how much?”

Me:  Why, yes. Yes I would. How about $80?

Machine: “You’ve got it James. Would you also like a receipt?”

Me: No thanks.

Machine: “Ok… I’m sorry, temporarily unable to complete this transaction. Want to try again?”
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Ok. no need to panic here. The machine probably just doesn’t have enough funds for $80….

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Machine: “Hello James, you chisled abbed male model. Would you like Fast Cash? If so, how much?”

Me:  Yep. Uh how’s about $40?

Machine: “Sure. Would you like a receipt?”

Me: Nope.

Machine: “Ok… I’m sorry, temporarily unable to complete this transaction. Want to try again?”
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The realization that I may be screwed is starting to set in….

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Machine: “Hello James you….”

Me:  Look, shut the hell up you piece of sh$t! Just give me $20 NOW!

Machine: “Sure. Sure. Would you like a recei..”

Me: NO!!

Machine: “Ok… I’m sorry, temporarily unable to complete this transaction. Want to try again?”
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At this point it is all I can do to not scream. This particular machine has screwed me over many times in the past, but it’s usually when I drive up and see the “Out of Service” sign in my time of need. This is the first time I have ever been duped after first being welcomed.

Moral of the story? I don’t know, I’m too pissed to think of one right now. But while I do, can someone do a brother a solid and lend me a buck for the vending machine?

It doesn’t take debit cards.