Dear Mr. Powell and Associates of General Mills:
I’ve figured it out and I know what you’re up to. You probably thought I’d never find out your dirty little secret didn’t you? I know you’ve waited 40 years to launch your master plan to prey on the innocent youth of America but I am here to tell you that I won’t let you win.
It all started in 1971 and I can just imagine your evil minions all concocting the scheme. Releasing Monster Cereals in the hopes of eventually controlling the heart and mind of all good children and like a fool I drank the Kool-Aid. You knew I couldn’t resist the combination of chocolate and vampires.
You waited silently while the children grew into adults. It was the perfect scheme: An entire generation willfully consuming the goodness of Count Chocula, Frankenberry and Boo Berry.
It wasn’t until last Summer that you put your master plan into effect. Slowly taking the cereals loved by millions off of the shelves of the grocery store. Little by little both myself and the other children of the disco generation saw their old friends disappear. You knew it was only a matter of time before you would control them.
I began scouring the country-side for chocolately goodness. I even thought of paying outrageous prices online in attempt to fuel the fix you started. I would have done anything.
But then you made your one fatal mistake. Something you didn’t count on.
Unbeknownst to you, a large stash of Count, Frank and Boo managed to make their way to the grocery shelves in time for Halloween. Stores began selling them at a discounted rate in attempt to deplete their inventories before the Feds showed up and I purchased as much contraband as I could to stock up for the Winter.
So why you may have gotten others to bow before the Big G you’ll NEVER get me. I’ve got enough of Monster Cereal to see me through next Summer and beyond.